A Poem by Gabrielle Manna
It started with frenzy
paranoia
endless noise
and then the world sat still in silence
We stopped
We listened
More together in our loneliness
than we’d ever been in our togetherness
And when the world stopped screaming
the world stopped listening
And now I’m sitting here
hair a little bit longer, nails a little bit shorter, belly a little bit softer,
thinking of a time when I tuned in and out of the cacophony of
life and living and people and voices and footsteps and
the shock of stillness
in its moments
within a world of constant movement
of constant listening
And if I felt alone then
I never was. Not really.
There was always the option not to be.
There was always other people.
There was always the opportunity for connection,
that I took for granted.
And even when I wanted to be alone, without knowing, I took comfort just in being a human in a world with other humans.
If I wanted, I could sit at the cafe down the street with my headphones on
and read my book someone else wrote
and blast my music someone else played
and sip my coffee someone else made
from beans someone else picked
from a tree someone else planted.
And just the mere knowledge that someone else had made my drink for me – even if it was their job – was enough.
Without knowing, I wrapped myself in the warmth of other people –
in the intimate awareness, deep within ourselves, of the interconnectedness of human lives
(an awareness I could not put words to until I felt the deep pang of its absence in my core)
I’m thinking of days when I encountered the unexpected, the unfamiliar
when I constantly saw new faces, heard new voices, met new people
in that cafe,
in the streets
in public transit
in moments of connection
within a world of constant changing
of constant learning
I was learning about the world around me,
the world I am now slowly losing,
and reluctantly mourning
the self
that died alongside it
Who are we without the connections, both old and new, past and present and future, that make us who we are?
We are not the selves constructed by relationships,
in an interconnected web of human experience,
When that web is forced apart
Heaved into uncertainty
Sucked up by a vacuum cleaner held in the unwashed hands
that took it for granted too
And now I’m in a new world where all I have left is
the one thing I need to learn the most about,
the one thing I should know best
and love the most intimately
yet understand the least
myself
I keep feeling like I‘m in a dream,
like my life is on hold and soon I‘ll wake up
myself again.
I’ve been feeling like I’m not myself
‘Cause who am I when I’m not my mother’s child
My father’s daughter
My sister’s sister
My friend’s friend
My arts’ creator
My dreams’ followers
My world’s inhabitant
WHO AM I WITHOUT THE WORLD THAT MADE ME
WHO I AM
I feel that we are losing ourselves.
At first I thought it was just me
(It’s easy to be selfish when you’re alone in your dorm room with third day hair, on your third game our third game of Evil Apples and your third glass of cab)
But then I reminded myself
of the web of all ourselves
tangled up in the threads
of the world we lived in
(And on my fourth glass
I could stop lying to myself
And face the truth)
We will never be our selves again
We will never be the selves constructed by human relationships
in the interconnected web of human experience
that we all took for granted
It’s easy to evolve
in a world of constant movement
But for now, the world stands still
waiting
for an answer:
Can there be growth
in isolation?
Will the world stop turning
if we all stand still forever?
I wonder who we will be
if/when this is all over
I wonder if we will remember
how to be humans again
I hope
we can weave a new web together
as new selves
But this time
Maybe
We will understand our selves
And our web
in all the ways we used to take for granted
and in so many more
we have yet to learn”
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