Write a brief letter addressed to the self of your younger years.
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ENG125 – Colloquium: Introduction to Creative Writing
Smith College Project
Write a brief letter addressed to the self of your younger years.
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Hey B,
It’s you. It’s me. It’s us. I hope that you’re doing okay, but I know that you would tell me you are. It took a bit for us to realize that maybe we are not always alright, and it’s okay to tell someone about it. I wanted to tell you about some things that I know you don’t quite yet. But I don’t want you to alter your behavior too much because of what I say. The things I’ve been through and know now made you me. They made us.
You don’t have to carry everything all at once. It’s not your job to hold everything together. Not you and Lydia. Not mom and dad.
Prioritize the health of your body. We love to hold everything inside, but it all has to come out somehow. I know we love to be involved, we love to play lacrosse, we love our friends. But give yourself the time to rest. Give yourself the solitude to get to know yourself. There will be a time when you are stripped of all the identities you hold (it happens in the craziest way, so stock up now on surgical masks). This time will be hard. It may feel impossible. But lean into to it. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to laugh. Allow yourself to be yourself, without any labels and responsibilities. You won’t be a student. You won’t be an athlete. You won’t be a leader. You will just be you. And you will come to love us.
Please eat enough.
Your first heartbreak is going to hurt like hell. You are going to feel like you are losing your mind. Remember that you are enough. You are strong. We learn that its okay to set boundaries and its okay to let people go. Love is not supposed to feel like anxiety. You don’t have to hold such a tight grip on things that are slipping away. You fall in love again. With yourself and with someone who makes you feel alive without killing you slowly.
You might not get all of this now. In fact, you probably have to wait until you’re 18 to start to learn how we became us. But don’t worry about that just yet. Enjoy being you. Because you can’t be me just yet. I can never be you again. But we will always be us.
Love you,
B
To little Angyta :
I know all the dreams you had for me. I love you so much for them, that optimistic way you still saw the world. It’s not worse but it’s different. You won’t have the quinceanera you dreamed of but you will have pictures to make it seem like you did. Your dress won’t be like your sister’s, intricately designed and your favorite color, but instead an ill fitting puffy bland thing. Despite this, you look good and will get a bigger frame than your sister. So many eyes will follow you as you walk through the forest like a princess (halfway through the photoshoot there will be a power outage) Also, your parents are gonna bring Lia to the beach to make some fun memories. Everything can be beautiful but it’s not meant to be ideal. Your quince wasn’t what you expected but doesn’t this sound fun too. Take this with you, because you are gonna go through a very hard time in your life where your world will become four corners. It will turn you inside out and make you think who you are, is wrong. You are worth knowing and loving – you will encounter people who will see this. Be open to change. I want to tell you this so you don’t withdraw farther in that room. Don’t be a shadow.Lastly I know college is in your mind, I did make it- I got into a good college AND your parents didn’t go broke paying it. Be kind to yourself, our frontal lobe hasn’t even developed. Time really does make everything better
Please get checked for depression and talk to your parents
Love you, An older you :3
Hey Ardie!
Though we don’t really often use that nickname anymore, so many people we love called us that for years, and it only seems right to use it. Over winter break (from Smith College, so we definitely prove that doctor wrong), I watched old home video tapes of you doing those pre-therapy assessments for the intensives in Alabama. Remember those? They still called us Ardie back then. In my favorite video, our tiny voice said repeatedly “I can’t do it, Mama,” and it almost made me cry. Guess what sweet one? We can do it, or at least we try to. A lesson from college: never say we can’t, say that we can’t yet. We learned that in Organic Chemistry!
All of our therapists and doctors inspired us to be a pre-med student, hence the organic chemistry. Since you learned the term medial malleolus from Dad, you may have seen that one coming. Our true passion for science will start once you reach 10th grade and see a model of human organs for the first time. Crazy, right? Oh, wait… I think it was the rat dissection day in 9th grade bio… Anyway…
I forgot to mention one slightly important detail… School will end on Friday the 13th, 2020, and we won’t return until you’re a senior. Spoiler Alert. It all works out, but be prepared to not set foot in a grocery store for over two years, be the only student in your classes to know what it’s like to be homeschooled, eat way too much nacho cheese dip on corn chips, and tell your friends that there is no way a global pandemic is only going to last one week.
I just have a few requests. I hope you take them to heart.
Please try to journal. I know this doesn’t seem at all like us, but trust me. The bits and pieces are hilarious to look back on, but there are just too few pages of memories.
Become comfortable talking to others about who we are. I know you’ve had practice at summer camp, but let’s be honest, we are shy. Prepare yourself. Breathe. It will be okay. You’ll become an advocate someday! You will have to formally address your entire 8th grade class, but it will be 100% worth it when your classmate tells you how brave you were.
Please don’t stop dancing just because you have a disability. Don’t let her tell you your crooked arm will lower competition scores. Just find a teacher that embraces differences, okay?
Love you to the moon,
Arden
I haven’t ever written a letter to you. Sorry about that. I’ve gotten such lovely letters from you, full of hopes and dreams. You have quite an impressive imagination, at least that hasn’t changed. Lots of stuff has though. The world isn’t quite what you thought it would be. Growing up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that earlier. Or I’m sorry we didn’t learn it. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a way to break this cycle we are in, ya know, the one where you reach out to me, and I only write back when reminded to, let’s make a deal. From now on, I won’t ignore you and you’ll remind me of all the amazing things you believe about the future. Teach me how to hope again and I’ll tell you about all we’ve achieved. Reach out anytime and I promise I’ll never forget you because you are me.
Hey Val,
This is Valeria from the future. I’m writing to you from Juli’s tutoring room at the library. I don’t know which version of myself I’m writing this to. Now that I think about it, you won’t be able to understand any part of this letter! Because it’s in English. Maybe your dad can translate.
Anyways, I’ve been good. I’m studying Biology in college, and I really love it. I have a secret for you: you are not that scared of insects. You worked in an insect ecology lab, and you actually loved it. You loved it so much that now you want the most forest-looking backyard ever. I also study psychology, which is so cool! I have learned so much about the human mind. If you put psychology and biology together, you basically get neuroscience! However, I’m glad I’m not studying neuroscience because I feel like I have more space to explore when I think about biology and psychology separately. In the future, though, I do hope to work on neuroscience research.
Oh, that’s another thing—you have so many interests that you are really overwhelmed by the amount of paths you could take. I hope that future us can figure it out for us.
On another note, you are a cheerleader now, and you have two cats and two new stepbrothers and an awesome stepdad. Mom is happy and grumpy all at the same time.
If I had to give you a piece of advice, I would say hug and spend time with Yiya. I know you don’t like her house, but there is a possibility that you’ll never see her in person again. Also, be best friends with Mauricio. He is amazing!
Okay, Val. Just remember to stay strong. Everything comes to an end, and better days and people are coming. Hang onto those who fill you with love, and you’ll be okay.
Best,
Valeria
Hello, Little me. This is big you reaching out. First of all- everything will turn out okay. Whatever feels like it means the world in this very moment really isn’t. I’m not sure what age you are right now or what phase you are entering- whether you are obsessed with the Hunger Games or trying to learn how to apply mascara or getting your first period. Things will be dramatic for a while, but this will go away and your life will get pretty boring- until it isn’t. Just know that whatever you are insecure about at the moment, you will soon learn to love yourself. And for the love of God- please STOP straightening your hair. It will take twenty plus years but you will learn how to manage it. Despite the Garnier Fructis bottle, your hair is not frizzy, dry and unmanageable- you just aren’t using the right products. The Curly Girl Method probably doesn’t exist yet, but try using OGX. No matter what you think at this moment, know that you are intelligent and strong. You will encounter things that feel like they will destroy you- but you will conquer them and live to tell the tale. You will get into college and graduate five years later- a world scale event happens that will change this from four to five years. I can’t spoil anything else, because I don’t want to ruin any surprises or get too ahead of myself. After all, I don’t want you to change our future. Just know that I love you and plenty of other people do too. Keep doing everything you are doing exactly how you are doing it. You become a pretty kick ass woman.
Dear little me,
Would you believe me if I told you that one day we’ll discover things more important than building fairy houses in the woods? Probably not. But it’s true, you’ll see. Don’t worry, they’re good things, like travel and writing and art and music, things like that. Well, some of the things can be scary and overwhelming, from time to time. Sometimes we’ll wish that we can go back to when splashing around in the creek in the backyard was still our only care in the world. Life might have been easier if it had stayed that way, but we’ll learn that it can’t.
Our life will change a lot, over and over. It won’t always be easy, or fun, but we won’t be alone, not really, even if it feels like we are. We meet a lot of people, you know, so many good people who love us and stay with us for a long time. Some of them come and go, of course, but Mom and Dad and Ursula never leave, so nothing can be too bad, right? Even when things get hard, don’t worry too much, I can say with certainty that it’s always turned out okay in the end (so far).
We go to college, can you believe it? I’m telling you because school won’t always be our favorite, although right now you probably still love it. But when it gets frustrating, just remember that eventually, it’ll get better again, it’ll be as fun as it is now. Even more because we’re learning so much and growing all the time. Meeting even more new people, too. Would you believe me if I told you that we go to college far away from Mom and Dad and Urs? Probably not.
I don’t really know what wisdom to give you, we’ve always been pretty practical and capable – that’s one thing that never really changes. I guess, just make sure to appreciate everything as it comes, don’t get too ahead of yourself just yet. There’s plenty of time for that later, believe me.
Growing up is overrated, anyways.
See you soon, G.
Dear Past Catherine,
Not everyone is going to find you compelling. In fact, many people will find you absolutely insufferable without ever giving you a chance. There will be even more people who have something to say about how you live your life. Very few of those people deserve your attention, but there are a couple that do.
Mom and Dad.
Listen to them, and, more importantly, talk with them. They are such cool people, and you lucked out without realizing it. The reason why you haven’t realized it is because you’re afraid they’ll stop loving you. News flash, we’re past that point. They want to tell you they love you, but they’re so tired, and they’re so worried for you. So worried they’re worried they’ll make you worried, and you’ll stay in your room forever. Speaking of, leave your room. Not just to go to school, but after. On weekends, at least eight hours of the day should be spent outside of it. The world is going to be scary. It also has all of the things you want in it. Not all of them will fit inside that space your mind has claimed as “safe”. Don’t let yourself rot. You are worth more than that. Your parents know that. That’s why they want you downstairs, where they can talk with you.
Bee.
You know how important they are. Don’t ever be ashamed of them. The people that think you should be ashamed of them, that you’d be better off without them, are people that don’t know what it is to find someone that can truly know themselves. And by virtue, know you. Fight for them. They are the closest thing you’re going to find to a wholly good person.
Chrissy.
She’s going to become one of the best, wittest, most talented and most unapologetically loyal people you know, and this annoyance at her for everything you wish you were that she is, shut it down right now. You think she doesn’t care about what you say and do, and you are cataclysmically wrong. She wants to be your friend, and you don’t make it easy. You don’t get to stop being compassionate just because you’re tired. You don’t get to decide if you were a good sister, she does. She is also, a very fair judge. Earn her trust, and trust her.
Some final notes:
A person you like not finding you attractive doesn’t make you ugly or unlovable, it just means they don’t want that relationship with you, and guess what, you have felt the exact same way about other people. Yes, incandescently beautiful celebrities most definitely have it easier in that department. Don’t let that excuse your bitterness.
Stop being so existential all the time. You’re always going to be melancholy and anxious, but don’t deny your nuance. Everything and everyone dies, but to die you had to have lived first, right? So live.
Stress isn’t always a bad thing. That being said, it is not always a good thing either. You’re going to hit a point (no spoilers) where you feel that nothing matters, so why not try to do everything? It is as arrogant as it is a cry for help. However, you will manage it, and you will grow, but you could have done those things without worsening your already horrible insomnia (yeah that develops (go to bed (and for the love of everything good in this world, stay off your phone while you do it))).
Read whatever the hell you want, which you don’t have trouble with, so write whatever the hell you want. You’ve got so many ideas up there, and not all of them are good, but they all have something about them that you like. Go for it. Likewise, draw whatever you want. Yeah it looks like crap. It’s not going to look any better if you never do it. Try to do your ideas justice by seeing what happens with them. The worst outcome would be to not do anything at all. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it would be a shame.
Lastly, the tone of this letter has been harsh, because you never really do stop being harsh towards yourself. You’re just less so now, and in a much more motivating way. Turns out, telling yourself you’re worthless doesn’t make you want to get up and make something of yourself. It just makes you depressed. So try to curb that impulse. It’s not easy, it will not happen in a day. But it also won’t get fixed if you never start. Lucky for you, you did. Congrats. Seriously.
Study harder. Drink more water. Try some skin care. Go on walks and get that gym membership. Give more strangers a chance. But you’ll get to those later, so try to focus on the more pressing stuff.
You’ve got it in you. If anyone’s going to know that, it’s me.
Love,
The You From Down the Line
Dear Harlen,
You made it. You’re 19 because no the world did not end when you were 14 or 15 or even again at 16. Life may seem confusing and blurry, but you make it out alive. People say high school is supposed to be the best years of your life, and Harlen those people are stupid. They peaked in high school and don’t understand that the best years of your life have hardly even started. I will leave you with a few words of wisdom, some things I would’ve liked to carry with me back then.
The number on the scale is a number and solely that, that number does not determine your worth, your value, or your beauty. You deserve to take up space, however much you need the space is yours Harlen. Your body is a beautiful vessel that does so many incredible things, and someday the way it folds and ripples, the way dark likes stretch across it, the way it moves with you will become background noise. None of it has ever mattered. Eat, it is your fuel, you deserve it. Please.
High school boys will not fill that void in your heart, that part of you that you always thought was missing. They will never give you the love your father didn’t, it won’t make you feel any better, it will make you feel worse. Jesus Christ, you don’t even like boys! You can appeal to their gaze all you want, but it won’t ever feel worthwhile, it won’t ever feel right.
Your internet footprint is so real, please think before you post.
Your family will be different when you go, not bad, but not good either. There is still that distance and still that lack of care, lack of interest, but it isn’t your problem anymore. You have a place to stay, someone who claims to love you, someone who you can go to when life feels a little bit too much. Maybe not a home, but it is enough. It isn’t worth your constant tears at night trying to force a relationship that just isn’t there.
Keep that little special box of memories you usually tuck away in the back of the closet, whenever you rediscover it, your heart warms. Moments of happiness growing up were often fleeting, so hold onto the moments you can for just a little longer.
Don’t put the neon green in your hair. It doesn’t go well and a section of your hair will look like a baby’s throwup for months.
You may think UW is right for you, it’ll be your ‘dream’ for as long as you have even thought of college. Remember how Tia went to Smith? You followed her footsteps, first as an advisor to the most amazing young women with your soul sister, and now you’re at Smith, and leaving was the best thing you had ever done. It was a choice you made for you and no one else. Make those kinds of choices more often.
I love you forever kid. Know that you are loved, beautiful, and important.
With love,
Harlen but older
To Sadie,
Hi kid! You know how we feel about time travel, so I’m keeping this brief. You get to talk about your obsessions now (you even have a radio show about one very important teen TV show, but no spoilers!) and people listen – it’s kind of your thing! You still love stuff a lot but do behave a little bit more normally about it now (don’t get too excited). I’ve been looking back on your Instagram and TikTok posts recently and I would like to thank you for not deleting any of it. Same with the Google Docs, they are quite the time capsule! I wish you wrote down more somehow, archived more, because I love looking back on young Sadie. I talk about you a lot now. And I listen to your movies and watch your shows. Would you believe it if I told you that you are rewatching Once Upon A Time with a friend right now? We just got to Season 4, Episode 12 “Shattered Sight” (He traded his ship for her… I know right!) Rena is okay, everyone is okay. We all made it out and are into college and it’s exactly what you wanted it to be. Rena is doing a million things, you know Rena, but they are happy. I know this is a surprise but it feels like sometimes it’s Ainsley and Joe holding you afloat through all of this life stuff going on – I’m not asking you to forgive your sister or like your brother that you’ve barely met, but I want you to know family sticks around. The parents are great and we have somehow adopted more family since your time. The bamboo has grown tall, the apple tree has come down and Riley barks a bit less, but not by much. You’re not alone ever anymore, but you cherish that time now, even if you didn’t like it much then. You were right about a lot of things, but don’t let that get to your head. The only advice that I will pass along, because it won’t mess up the timeline because you won’t listen to me, is try to think a little less. You can’t solve everything with that head of yours! But I know you’ll try and I love you. I want to tell you that you don’t have lives in your hands but I know you won’t believe me, just know that, sincerely, it’s okay. I know we lie a lot, but I wouldn’t lie to you! Anyways, I think you’d be proud of where you ended up, you little mastermind. Still, I do miss your time, unsure and just trying to figure stuff out. But I know what you are thinking, that if I really remembered what it was like I wouldn’t miss it. Still, you made me who I am today! That love you gave was never a waste <3 I love you buddy.
P.S. Watching TV instead of homework will never be the wrong call, keep doing it! Also download Letterboxd!
I just have a few questions Miranda. The crazy thing is I don’t know if you will even have answers for me but here we go:
– Why did you wear skinny jean overalls like they were the epitome of fashion in middle school? There was no need for you to wear them every dress-down day.
– Why was your ponytail always on the SIDE of your head and not just in the middle??? Please tell me.
– Did you enjoy being a pathological liar just for the plot? Were you just bored?
– Why do we think the appropriate reaction when overwhelmed, sad, happy, angry, or all of the above is to cry? At the age of 21 years old, we still don’t know and still do it.
– Why do you think we care so deeply about people who don’t truly love us? This still happens too, but I’ll let you experience it for yourself. No spoilers.
– This one isn’t a question but we get a lot better at doing our hair and it turns into a side hustle so keep going!!!
– Do you feel judged for being different from the kids around you? No one really understands what it’s like to be the mix of things we are. There are very few people who understand it even now.
– Have you called Bachan today? Or this week? Or month? Call her now
– You do know how proud I am of you though right? Not every day is great but I do love you. We need to do a better job of saying that to each other.
– As much as I question our decision-making and thought process 95% of the time we got this! But throw the overalls out. PLEASE! They were honestly never cute sorryyyyy.
I don’t wanna tell you too much because I need you to keep being a weirdo or else we won’t grow into who we are now. But yea just hit me back if you have any answers to those questions:)
Love you girl!
Miranda
Van,
One night in college, you will have a playful disagreement with someone you are dating— different opinions on some TV show or gossip we aren’t even involved with. Attempting to locate the problem with your perspective, she will eke out: “you didn’t really have a good childhood.”
You will feel defensive. She was not there, not anywhere near it. You work so hard to make it okay. (You shouldn’t have to do that, by the way). You will tell her “it wasn’t, like, always bad.”
You will look back on this time as an adult with mixed feelings. You are a master at making your own fun, and a genius at surviving and escaping the tough situations you should never have been placed in.
I would like to be the adult that tells you everything you should have heard (I technically am one, but I still don’t feel it). Adults should be kind to you. It’s a rule they are all supposed to follow with kids. If they are not, that is a problem with them, not you. I think Dad is broken. I think he doesn’t have a heart. (You do, I promise). You do not have to try so hard (I know you still will). He will never be kind or normal. You should hear this now: in ten years, Mom will feel very sorry. She will apologize that he is your father. You deserve this apology now, from the entire universe. Even that’s not enough.
One day you will get away, and the world will make sense.
You will forge so many connections with people who actually understand and care about you. People you never have to lie to or hide from.
You will say “I love you” and mean it.
A list of things to Google, to save you some time down the road:
The Angriest Dog in the World
Fall out Boy
Diabetes symptoms
Malignant Narcissist
What is a lesbian
Smith College
Melatonin
Hang in there. You’ll make it.
Love you,
Van (21)
Hello Tori,
I don’t think this is something anyone ever knows how to start. There’s a lot you don’t know, and a lot I’ve forgotten.
You and mom are the same, if not closer somehow. Bryan… not so much. But you’ll figure it out, it’ll get easier. I promise. Please direct every ounce of patience you have to him. It’ll be worth it. And mom will always be your best friend and you will always be hers; spend as much time with her as you can.
You drink tea now. You play the drums and guitar and piano (kinda). You’ve fallen in love —properly this time— and you will continue to do so with each day. Hold on to your love for art and astronomy, that will come in handy in a few years.
I don’t need to tell you how to enjoy the quiet moments, how to find peace in the fuzzy edges of afternoons. What I do need to tell you though is to 1000% be more defensive of yourself; our heart is the best part of us, but you did not deserve any of that and they do not deserve any of your time. Be selfish and stop being a perfectionist. What matters is not what this life looks like but how it feels. There are less rules than you think. Take mom’s soul to your core and keep it there.
You will find comfort in the swinging pendulum of emotions. You will learn about your body, about what needs help and how to give it. You will not only survive this but also live wholeheartedly in each pocket of time. I visit you often. I visit elderly us often. We’ve never really cared much about who’s proud of us or if we’ve accomplished certain things. Those are fickle things; we know how to receive our love from the seconds that pass and return and stop altogether. I will hold you always, as you will hold me always. Please, above all else, remember to have fun. I love you, I love you, I love you. See you soon 🙂
<3
Me
Dear Rachel, Rachie, love dove, and all the names we’ve loved,
The days spent in the schoolyard during recess and after school feel like the peak of our life right now, don’t they? The countless hours spent playing roleplay games with our friends where we escape into a new world feel like grand adventures that nothing can top. Would it shock you if I say that feelings like that remain a constant throughout our life? Perhaps it would shock you even more if I were to tell you that these feelings born out of our roleplay adventures somehow grow even more wonderful. Our interests have grown, and our creative soul has been channeled, allowing our silly little schoolyard roleplays to take new, wonderful forms. Whether they be through writing, drawing, or messaging new friends you’ve yet to make, our stories, our characters, our adventures have grown alongside us.
Things have been scary at times growing up, and I wouldn’t say our place has been found, but our people certainly have been, in fact, our people are sitting right in front of me as I write this, as photographs on the wall. Mom, Dad, Vee, and our friends are here with us every step of the way, so allow yourself to rely on them and know that they genuinely love you so much and are so proud of you, even if our mind still tries to convince us they aren’t.
I want to end our brief conversation by reminding you to not be so hard on yourself, though I’m somewhat of a hypocrite saying that and should heed my own words. I don’t like thinking back on you, in the fifth grade, crying over an 80 on a test, and I doubt the future us would like thinking back on me, writing this letter, crying or dwelling on a “bad” grade. Allow the occasional errors, be like us in the third grade when we laughed over getting a 54 on our math test because we found perimeter instead of area the whole time. Allow mistakes, embrace them, and remember them as stories to tell in the future to remind you of how human you are and how far you’ve come.
I may not be what you expected us to be, but I hope you’re proud of me nonetheless, because I am so very proud of you.
Yours truly,
Rachel
Dear little heart,
How would you feel about where we’ve come? You who at six used to repeat a refrain of “I don’t want to go to college” because you didn’t want to move away from home. You who at seven have worried your parents by adhering so close to so few that they started to wonder how heartbreak would look on you.
That’s life, little heart. Goodbyes. That’s life. You didn’t know that yet, caught up in a world where the people closest to you were everything.
I’m still like that, to be honest. Despite everything. And now I’m in college. We do go, despite your six-year-old self’s declarations. And far, too. Massachusetts. Half the country away from our everything. It’s terrifying. But we find new people without losing the old ones. Our everything just expands.
Here’s what I’ll tell you, little heart. You loved like you thought souls would converge to the same place. I love like I think souls start in the same place. An ending and a beginning. There’s all the difference and no difference. I won’t tell you to love less desperately, because we both know that would be futile, but I will tell you to learn that difference. That, and that it’s okay that not everyone else clings so tightly because you’re allowed to let go, too.
With love,
A tired older heart.