The Family Dream: The Past and Present of LGBTQ Parenting

(Brief Opening Music)

ELLA:  Hi everyone, welcome to The Family Dream, a podcast about LGBTQ Parenting. I am your host Ella Andrews, and today we’re going to dive in and explore what it was like for LGBTQ individuals to try and start a family pre and post Stonewall, and compare it to our here and now. By the end of this episode we will answer the overall question of, have we actually advanced in our treatment for LGBTQ couples to start a family, or are we still stuck in the past? Now, go grab yourself a snack, get comfy, and enjoy, let’s get started!

(Intermission Music)

ELLA: Okay, so let’s start from an early period, the 1950s and 1960s . For gay and lesbian couples this time period was incredibly challenging, for many reasons. To start, the 1950s marks post World War II were there was a high of nationalism, and with that came the expectation to get married and start a family. The classic heterosexual, middle-class nuclear family thus became the model for women and men all over the country, which resultantly left lesbians and gay men invisible. In addition to feeling invisible, many gay men and lesbian women felt immense societal and familial pressure to get married and start a family. It was believed that the only way to have a successful career was to be heterosexually married with children. This quote-on-quote belief pushed gay men and lesbian women into unwanted marriages, making them fake who they really were. 

Now, the lesbian and gay male couples who already had children during the World War II period faced a whole other slew of troubles. During this time, many heterosexual people strongly believed that lesbians and gay men were psychologically disturbed, and would severely mistreat them. As a result, lesbian and gay parents found themselves living  underground lives, in immense fear that if their identity was revealed they would lose overall custody of their children. The sad reality for lesbians and gays thus came to, if their sexuality was found out there was slim to no chance of retaining their parental or custodial rights. 

 As time moved on through the 1950s and 60s, many lesbians and gays were becoming fed up with the persecution and mistreatment, and decided it was time to work together to fight for their rights, especially their parental rights. Lesbian mothers formed support groups to talk about how they can be good parents and to assure each other that their sexuality would not harm their children. With gay men discussion flowed around the main desire for their right to become adoptive parents. These discussions marked the emergence of lesbian and gay parental activism, and would directly lead to more open organizing in the 1970s, following Stonewall. 

Although the 1950s and 60s was an incredibly dark time for lesbians and gays, near the end of this period lesbians and gays started to band together, they were fed up, and ready to fight. 

Wow, okay that was a lot! Let’s take a quick break to stretch, refill that snack, use the bathroom ( I don’t judge), whatever you need, before we dive into some more history, post Stonewall, to see if LGBTQ parental rights have actually changed. 

(Intermission Music)

ELLA: Okay round two of LGBTQ parenting history, now Post- Stonewall, I hope you’re ready! Post-Stonewall, many wins came for lesbians and gay men, but we only have time to talk about a few! First up, is Bill Jones, who was the first single gay father to adopt a child in California in 1968. Although a huge stride, in an interview done with National Public Radio, in 2015, Jones explained that he was strictly advised by a social worker to not mention that he was gay. To read that he was still advised to hide his true identity is so frustrating and mind-boggling to me, it just makes no sense! A positive nonetheless, and with the continued activism even more strides took place. For example in 1978, in California a gay couple became the first same-sex couple known to have jointly adopted a child! A bit later, in 1993 Vermont and Massachusetts allowed for same-sex couples to jointly adopt statewide, and New Jersey came shortly after that. By 2010 the last state, Florida, overturned their ban on adoption by lesbians and gays. 

Seeing these changes occur Post Stonewall is very encouraging, and there were even more than I mentioned just now! 

 Okay yay, some happy to end on, but anyway, we’re going to take another quick break before heading into the present, to really see if we’ve maintained these changes, or if LGBTQ parents are facing pre Stonewall struggles. 

(Intermission music)

ELLA: We’ve dealt with the past, so now let’s dive into the present, and to do so we’re going to learn about a personal account of a gay couple, and their road to starting a family. 

 A point of emphasis I’d like to start with, is the additional struggles gay male couples have when wanting to start a family. Gay male couples only have two options, surrogacy or adoption as opposed to pregnancy that lesbian couples also have. These two options are obviously costly, especially surrogacy, as an article by CNBC in 2023 points out that the average cost of surrogacy has gone from $75,000 five years ago, to anywhere between $150,000 and $250,000. Why do we have to make it THIS expensive to have a family? 

 To understand deeper what it’s like for LGBTQ couples to start a family today,  I’d like to pull a personal story of a gay couple, and their journey to starting a family. Alon Rivel is a gay man, happily married, and always knew he wanted to be a father. As he and his partner started looking into having a biological child they were shocked to realize that literally NOTHING would be covered by insurance unless they could prove they were infertile. This just makes no sense to me. But regardless of the cost, Rivel and his partner went along with the process. Through Rivel and his partners’ process they had to account for a whole list of expenses, that gave me a headache just reading about, and the cost, it’s ridiculous. In their journey to parenthood, it cost Rivel and his husband $220,000. Let’s just sit in that for a second. Absolutely insane. It just doesn’t feel real that this can be the case for the LGBTQ community, and to know that this is what’s happening NOW. It’s incredibly unsettling. 

Bam, that was the present! We’re going to take one more break before coming back to wrap up our final thoughts, and to answer our overarching question, we’ll be right back! 

(Intermission Music) 

ELLA: Okayyy, time to wrap it up, but here I really want to dive into our overarching question and also explain why this specific episode means so much to me.

 In my family I am surrounded by multiple loving LGBTQ couples. On my dad’s side I have a transgender uncle who is happily married to my aunt, with two adorable kids. On my mom’s side I have a non-binary aunt, who actually just had their first child, and on my moms side again, I have a gay uncle who’s happily married to his partner. Obviously, the topic of our episode today hits really close to home, which is why I was so excited to share this episode with all of you! 

 Overall, I think that no matter who you are, or who you love, everyone deserves the right to start a family, and on an equitable scale. Love is love and no one should be deprived of the desire to have a loving and nurturing family, period. 

 Through learning about the history of LGBTQ couples in their fight for parental rights, and comparing to where we are now I feel like there’s a lot of gray. The strides we have made Post Stonewall are awesome, but it seems that we just keep creating more obstacles for LGBTQ couples to reach that family dream, and we’re still finding accounts of LGBTQ mistreatment. 

 And just like that we’ve learned all about LGBTQ parenting! I really hoped you guys enjoyed today’s episode, and learned about a topic that is very special to me! Join me back here next week for another episode of The Family Dream, and remember, love who you love, because love creates happiness, no matter what. I’m Ella Andrews, signing off for the day, have a great night everyone!

(Outro Music) 

Audio: “Everyone Need Someone.” WeVideo Audio Library. Audio. Accessed December 4, 2025. https://www.wevideo.com.

Image: Katy Huie Harrison, PhD. “Stigma Leads to LGBT Parenting Issues: Hilary’s Story.” Undefining Motherhood, March 7, 2024. https://undefiningmotherhood.com/lgbt-parenting-advice/. 

Image: Margo Jacquot, Psy.D. “Dr. Margo Jacquot the Juniper Center Advice to Help LGBTQ Parents.” Counseling & Therapy Services – The Juniper Center, December 4, 2017. https://www.thejunipercenter.com/margo-jacquot-lgbtq-parents-tribune/. 

Reagan, Courtney. “Gay Male Couples Face More Challenges, Higher Costs to Start a Family.” CNBC, June 23, 2023. https://www.cnbc.com/2023/06/23/gay-male-couples-face-more-challenges-higher-costs-to-start-a-family.html. 

Rivers, Daniel Winunwe. Radical Relations: Lesbian Mothers, Gay Fathers, and Their Children in the United States since World War II. University of North Carolina Press, 2013. http://www.jstor.org/stable/10.5149/9781469607191_rivers.

“A Short History of LGBTQ Parenting.” Mombian.com, October 3, 2018. https://mombian.com/2018/10/03/a-short-history-of-lgbtq-parenting/. 

Image: Swartz , Jeff. “Timeline: Key Moments in Fight for Gay Rights.” ABC News, June 15, 2022. https://abcnews.go.com/US/timeline-key-moments-fight-gay-rights/story?id=85315913. 

Image: Utah’s Adoption Connection. “LGBTQ Resources.” Utah’s Adoption Connection. Accessed December 4, 2025. https://www.utahadopt.org/support-resources/adoptive-family-resource-library/lgbtq-resources. 

Dana. 2018. “A Short History of LGBTQ Parenting – Mombian.” Mombian. October 3, 2018. https://mombian.com/2018/10/03/a-short-history-of-lgbtq-parenting/.

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