Should I discourage my son from playing with his friend whose parents are Trump enthusiasts?
My son is a second-grader and he’s become close with another little boy. We’ve seen the kids play together and they get along well, but we’ve also met the boy’s parents and totally disagree with their political views. They’re really outspoken Trump supporters and find ways to inject their political views into conversations with us.
My spouse thinks that we can get along fine by trying to minimize our son’s contact with his parents, but I’m worried about the kinds of political views and values our son is picking up from his friend. We’ve overheard his friend talking about building the wall to keep Americans safe, and so we’re not sure what else they’re sharing. We’ve talked to our son, but he’s quite protective of his friend and doesn’t tell us what they talk about. Should we try to discourage our son from spending time with his friend, at least outside of school?
In the Upper Peninsula of Michigan I spent many summer days in childhood playing with my cousins in the log cabin our great grandpa built which sits on beautiful land, and a great big farm on the same road, where my Finnish-American grandmother and her family grew up. I had cousins from Georgia, “the Georgia cousins,” one of whom, at around 9 years old, slapped his neck red and said “I’m a redneck” in his thick southern accent. He was, as they all were, proud of this fact. His brother wore a confederate flag necklace around his neck, which I remember being so curious about, having no real clue why it was so special to him. I also had two cousins, also close to my age, from Oklahoma, who were more chilled out, and who didn’t slap their necks and proclaim their southern heritage.
I remember sitting around on the floor in the living room of the log cabin one sunny afternoon in the summer, playing board games with my Georgia and Oklahoma cousins. One of the Georgia cousins played his ringtone for us, which was a racist song about Mexicans and included something about the border. It sounded like a country song, had sound effects, and was meant to be funny. I remember the great big smile on his face as he played it for us. I remember being a bit confused, and hearing one of my Oklahoma cousins say, “that’s not funny, you should turn it off.” I forget the actual conversation that took place between us, but I remember eventually it was just me and the Georgia boy and he ended up mooning me with his red butt. When I told my grandma this, she told me next time I should call the cops.
This same cousin was the boy that I jumped and sat with on the trampoline in the summers, just me and him. One day I stared at his confederate necklace that fell off. We spoke about it. This same cousin, who was shocked I hadn’t yet learned (at age 7 or 8), taught me how to swing. I remember swinging with him in the warm summer breeze behind the house, barn, and fields where our grandparents had grown up together. I had warm feelings for him — I loved him.
Today my Georgia cousins – and most of my family in the UP – are Trump supporters. I’m not a Trump supporter. I renounce what he says and does. However, I am so glad that I spent days swinging and laughing with my cousins. I was from Brooklyn, New York, the only black person in our family besides my mom, and came from a liberal family. I am grateful that my parents let me spend time with them throughout my childhood, even when they sometimes pushed the boundaries too far and I came home crying. I brought a lot of understanding of my cousins back to New York City. I showed my friends the country music they’d shared with me, and I picked up some of their southern humor and country humility.
That being said, my humble advice is that you should take the risk and let your son spend time with his friend. As long as your boy is not in physical danger, encourage him to be with whomever he is drawn to, regardless of their ideas. If you try and control who he spends time with, there is a risk of leaving him closed-minded and fearful of people who may be very different from him. It is a deeply powerful ability to be able to be around anyone without fear of their views, and to find one’s own way to love them. And of course you will stay in touch with him too, while allowing him his own development. His views will also be shaped by you, your family, his school, and anyone he interacts with. Most importantly, encourage him to be kind, in a daring way. You say he is protective of his friend — if he loves him and wants to spend time with him, that is a lovely thing, and that means you’re doing something right! That is what makes the world go around.