Should we try to discourage our son from spending time with his friend, at least outside of school?
My son is a second-grader and he’s become close with another little boy. We’ve seen the kids play together and they get along well, but we’ve also met the boy’s parents and totally disagree with their political views. They’re really outspoken Trump supporters and find ways to inject their political views into conversations with us.
My spouse thinks that we can get along fine by trying to minimize our son’s contact with his parents, but I’m worried about the kinds of political views and values our son is picking up from his friend. We’ve overheard his friend talking about building the wall to keep Americans safe, and so we’re not sure what else they’re sharing. We’ve talked to our son, but he’s quite protective of his friend and doesn’t tell us what they talk about. Should we try to discourage our son from spending time with his friend, at least outside of school?
Your sons’ exposure to other people’s views is inevitable. While I understand your concern about letting him spend time with someone who may introduce him to views that you would feel disappointed to hear him repeat, I would advise you not to discourage him from spending time with this friend.
I have two main reasons for giving this advice – first, you don’t want to send the message that people who hold different views are to be avoided. This is both unrealistic and undesirable advice for your son. He will undoubtedly encounter many people who believe different things throughout his life. In sheltering him, you wvill be denying him the opportunity to evolve and strengthen his own views through discourse with others. Part of morally educating your child entails preparing him to encounter other views and meet them with informed and careful consideration. You want to help him to think critically about right and wrong. And teach him to hold firm about what he knows to be right. That skill will deepen his moral reasoning skills far more than teaching him your views alone ever could. I think of the parable about the fisherman who gives you a fish versus the fisherman who teaches you to fish – you should teach your son to fish.
My second reason for advising you not to separate your son from his friend is entirely practical in nature – your disapproval of his friendship may lead him to double down harder on it, making him more likely to engage with this friends’ family’s views. If he is already protective of his friend I highly doubt he will respond well to your efforts to separate them. It would be hard for anyone not to feel resentful about being separated from their best friend. You don’t want your son to see you as the enemy in all of this which might happen if you were to limit his contact with this friend. Of course you can justify your actions, saying you only want what’s best for him, and you think separating him might be best, but it may be hard for him to see that. Even as adults it can hard for us to accept that something is good for us if it’s contrary to our desires. And as I’ve said, I am doubtful that this ultimately is best for him.
I do, however, think attempting to limit the amount of time your son spends with his friends’ parents, as your spouse suggests, is a reasonable precaution. In any situation, if you doubt someone’s ability to serve as a role model or caretaker for your child, you shouldn’t trust them with your child’s care. You can instead arrange times where the kids can be together, with you present. This is a good compromise – allowing your son to spend time with his friend and easing your worries about the parent’s influence on him.
In the end, I suggest you see this dilemma as an opportunity to begin educating your child about the injustices in the world. Talk with him frankly about what you believe and why – take your son to rallies, talk to him about the news, have him join you in letter writing campaigns. Do not shelter him from the many abhorrent views in the world, instead, teach him how he ought to respond. Let him become just as vocal as his friend is, and, with time, perhaps his friend will learn from him.